Knowing Myself
Being a plus-size Black woman in Venezuela, I have been through a very interesting process of self-awareness of my body shape, how I look from the inside to the outside. This process has brought me greater self-awareness of the meaning of being a Latino American Black woman. I started feeling passionate about this subject when I was a kid. At an early age, I started to learn how to mix my own personality with my clothing. I still keep within myself that rebel spirit of doing what I like with my image. I love breaking rules in fashion. I’ve tried all sorts of different styles throughout my life, some of them worked some others not really, but it wasn't until I tried something different that I realized what I liked or what I didn't.
I used to go shopping and come back home really sad with empty hands because I wasn’t able to find anything original or in my size. So I started buying my own fabrics and designing my own clothes. I started walking around all the shops looking for accessories that would give my look that special shine that I wanted. I found my favorite colors, and I began to recognize textures and layers. I finally started feeling free.
This reality seems to become very clear when I started understanding the facts that affect plus size black women in Latin American society. Some of the paradigms I grew up with came from my own family. For many years I lived thinking that the prettiest women were white women, I believe that the perfect hair was the straight hair or at least the ones with few soft waves and if it was blond, so much better.
I grew up thinking that I was probably ugly, as many people in school would say to me, and also my family subtly would mention it on a few occasions. Those statements came disguised as constructive comments and good intentions, as Latin American culture is designed. At that time I didn’t see it as clearly as I see it now. But yes, everything started at home. Now I understand why there was so much insecurity and why I didn’t feel pretty enough.
The past represented an invisible battle for me. My family usually would highlight how pretty I looked when I put on some effort to straighten my hair, wear makeup or a pretty outfit. It felt like being natural, as you really are, wasn't enough to be beautiful. At that time I knew something had to change.
“ I literally found part of my soul in my clothes. I found it in the history of Black women’s hair, and through the souls of all the beautiful people that came into my life who taught me lessons of self-compassion and love.”
As it is said, sometimes in fairy tales there is always some sort of a happy ending. So after I left Venezuela, I literally found part of my soul in my clothes. I found it in the history of Black women's hair, and through the souls of all the beautiful people that came into my life who taught me lessons of self-compassion and love. I finally learned what kind of person I am. What kind of styles I like, what shapes work best for me, I started looking at myself in the mirror with more self- esteem and understanding, for the first time.
That’s why right now for me clothing isn’t just about fashion or trends for me, it is more about who I am as a person, and how I feel more confident with who I am. Sometimes you just need to listen to yourself and take inspiration from your own culture, your own revolutions, and from your own community to create that space for understanding and to be able to know yourself in a better way.
My message to everyone is very simple. Do not be afraid to let yourself be whatever you want to be, without judgment, and please do not forget to try something new every day. It helps to refresh views and thoughts and remember, you are so beautiful in your own essence!
