Freedom To Just Be by Britney Avila

A Brief History of the word “Demisexual”:

First coined by user “sonofzeal” on the AVEN website in 2007.
A Demisexual person can best be described as a person who only experiences sexual attraction once a strong emotional bond has been formed.

Demisexuality is often misunderstood because most folks don’t know about it. This article is an open conversation between two people who are both Black Demisexual creatives. My intention for this is to affirm other Black, Ace-spec folk and ignite a community that is meant to uplift and encourage more of us to speak out on our experiences and intersecting identities. I want to pass the mic to people of the African Diaspora so that we can continue shaping our narratives and stories - for us and by us! I interviewed Toni Smalls (they/them) who is a poet, fashion photographer, and director. Their latest poetic EP is titled Under Inner Core and can be found on most streaming platforms. Smalls’s work can best be described as an eclectic/colorful mix of imagery that for me, invoked feelings of serenity, power, and wonder. I invite you to learn more about Demisexuality and its nuances through the medium of our conversation below. Recently, I virtually sat down with Smalls to discuss topics ranging from their creative process, self-expression, and of course their sexuality within the context of race and gender identity.

Screenshot of Zoom w/ Britney (Left), and Toni (Right) [Dec. 7, 2021]

B.A: How do you usually express yourself?

T.S.: I usually express myself through clothes and the way I dress because I’m really big on styling myself in a way that makes me feel comfortable. I feel like it’s hard, a little bit because of the fact that I am also trans. It’s hard to feel comfortable in my body at times when I’m having body dysmorphia. I have a binder,and I try to dress in a way that I just feel comfortable and like I’m confident within myself. I write poetry. [I like] going to open mics, and stuff like that really helps with my self-expression. I’m also trying to get back into therapy. I’ve been on and off in therapy so that helps with self-expression as well. Just being able to say “oh, I’m going through this” or “I’m going through that”, it’s definitely helpful.

B.A.: Did the way you express yourself change since coming into your gender and your sexuality? Was it like one before the other, or did it happen simultaneously?

T.S.: I think that my gender identity and exploration of my sexuality kind of simultaneously occurred. Like in high school, I think the only difference is I had more language to then express and name sexuality-wise vs gender-wise. In high school, there were definitely days where I felt like “oh I wish I could be a guy” or like, “oh like, I wish that I could do these things”, and I had dysphoria and all that stuff, but because I didn’t have the language to be like “oh, I’m trans” I just didn’t say that or I wasn’t able to like really, fully express that as much as saying like “Oh I’m a lesbian” because [the] language is just there. Like people just have that language. But I definitely think that if it wasn’t for that, it would have happened more so simultaneously. I would say that they’re pretty much along the same path timeline-wise but yeah, I think that not having that language of transness or gender identity, affected being able to like really like start to express that.

B.A.: So, now I’m going to transition a little bit into the sexuality/ everything else questions! When did you first learn about or hear the term “demisexual” and how did it feel initially?

T.S.: I would say the first time that I heard about Demisexuality was probably Highschool. But I never really like looked into it too much. I just remember people making fun of Demisexuality or people saying it wasn’t like a real sexuality and I never really looked into it upon initially hearing about it. I just remember thinking like “Ok, people are saying that this is not a real sexuality or that this is not a valid sexuality.

B.A.: So how has your romantic life been impacted since settling into your sexuality as a Demisexual?

T.S.: Actually when my partner and I got together, we’ve been together for like five years now –We got together when we were so young, like still in high school. But I actually didn’t even know then that I was Demisexual. I didn’t know that I was Demisexual for a long time. I knew that I only felt sexually attracted to or wanted to have sex with people that I actually felt an actual, deep connection with. But like, like I said, LANGUAGE IS EVERYTHING and I didn’t have the language. Like my transness, I didn’t have the language. Demisexuality was seen as not a real sexuality, and also we had very limited knowledge of it at the time. So, my understanding of Demisexuality was just that “oh, Demisexuality is basically when you’re attracted to someone who's smart” or something like that - I think someone said that, and I kind of stuck with that. Being attracted to someone’s emotional, not emotional, but like [their] intelligence as a whole like just being a smart person. And I remember just kind of putting a pin in that and being I guess that’s what Demisexuality is but simultaneously feeling that “oh I’m only really attracted to or want to have sexual encounters with people that I have like a really, really deep emotional connection with. hen the issue of feeling that way started to pop up a little bit when my partner and I were having really bad issues in our relationship where I didn’t feel connected to them. This was a personal issue that we were having between us that actually led to our breakup but because of that we weren’t super connected and I wasn’t feeling connected with them. I started to realize that also our intimacy levels were decreasing and I wasn’t able to like feel that sexual attraction anymore essentially but now, because we talked about it and because we were building that level of trust and that level of actual understanding of each other, I’m starting to feel that connection again. I’m realizing Oh this thing of me like only wanting to have sexual relations with people that I feel deeply, like on a soulful level connected to is like actually something that is not only valid but it can actually affect my relationship! So that’s when I started to look into it more, started to read about asexuality as a whole and the spectrum of it and how there’s different versions of asexuality and then that’s when I like really started to look into Demisexuality and that’s basically how I was able to come to terms with that.

B.A.: What does it mean to be Black and Demisexual for you?

T.S.: This is an interesting question because for some reason with being Black and Trans & being Black and Queer– those things I think kind of hit a little bit harder for me personally because of the fact that when you’re walking down the street you’re perceived as Black first and then depending on how you’re dressed or if you’re wearing a binder or what kind of personality that you’re really portraying someone could tell that you’re queer or if you’re trans, but there’s nothing to indicate that when you’re walking down the street and someone could get or have the vibe that you’re Demisexual. It’s kind of just something that happens or that you feel behind closed doors. So, I’ve never really analyzed or thought about how my Demisexuality could really impact me or how that could work or counteract my Blackness.

I do think that as a whole Black people in the media portrayed to be these like hypersexual beings that have to be a certain way in bed or have to be super attractive or super hypersexual and want to do certain things with certain people etc., which can definitely clash with being Demisexual if you’re just not that kind of person. It [the media] portrays that you have to be that kind of person or that you have to do that kind of thing. From personal experience, my partner is super understanding of my Demisexuality and my needs. They’ll never force me or try to get me to like do anything if I’m not in the mood or I’m just not feeling the vibe of it, they’re never going to make me feel any kind of way, so I’m very fortunate in that sense. Whereas other people who are Black might be perceived as like “Oh, well why don’t you want it?”, “You should want to have more sex, or you should want to do this thing or that thing” just because of your Blackness. That’s for me coming from an outside perspective as opposed to something I’ve actually experienced.

B.A: Here is a quote from an article on Black sexualities:

“Society’s obsession with sex means a preoccupation with sexuality, specifically sexual behavior, despite a prevailing Puritan posture. Fear of Black sexualities translates into another form of preoccupation where Black bodies are surveilled, devalued, exploited, estranged, clandestinely joined, simultaneously admired and disdained, and generally misunderstood.”

(Taken from an excerpt of Crowell, Candice N. “Bringing Forth Balance in Black Sexuality Research.” The Journal of Sex Research, vol. 50, no. 5, Taylor & Francis, Ltd., 2013, pp. 513–14, http://www.jstor.org/stable/42002079.)

How does the above quote make you feel? Can you relate to our sexualities being essentially “surveilled” throughout history?

T.S.: I think that Black people are typically stereotyped as hypersexual so anything that strays from that isn’t seen as something that is a Black trait. So Black people are invalidated when they fit in anything like that hence being misunderstood. I think if Black people are just able to be themselves without judgment we’ll be able to feel freer without pressure or surveillance of how our bodies operate. Especially being fat and queer/trans it’s just another level where Black people are definitely still struggling to accept Blackness is a spectrum not just of “acceptable Black people but all Black people. Like when Black people oppress other Black people that are even more marginalized in their communities it’s like really … you’re just reinforcing the white patriarchy.

B.A.: If you could give advice to another Demisexual person, what would it be?

T.S.: I would say just be completely honest with yourself! Tell your partner or just tell yourself out loud that your feelings don’t invalidate them at all, especially in a world where others will definitely try to invalidate you. Read books from other people on the spectrum and just educate yourself. Do what makes you comfy!

Freedom To Just Be: A Conversation on Demisexuality with Poet, Fashion Photographer & Director Toni Smalls